


You deserve this pleasure (so let me help)

by Melime



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: (Just a little bit), (to a ridiculous degree), Denial of Feelings, F/F, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Kira Nerys, Love Confessions, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:20:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26441836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Nerys never had an orgasm. Jadzia offers to help her as a friend. It should be a purely platonic exercise, if not for the fact Nerys can't stop wishing Jadzia would touch her and Jadzia can't keep hiding her own feelings for Nerys for much longer.
Relationships: Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys
Comments: 24
Kudos: 88
Collections: Iddy Iddy Bang Bang! 2020





	You deserve this pleasure (so let me help)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta Alfer.
> 
> I started this in 2016 and proceeded to ignore it for years, so the iddy iddy bang bang was the perfect opportunity to finish it.
> 
> Honestly, this is all about obliviousness and pining, as much as you can pine for someone you are having sex with.

“Are you ready?” Jadzia asked from where she was sitting on the floor, with her back turned to Nerys. She had been sitting on the hard floor for ten minutes already, and something told her she would be there for most of the night.

“Not yet! Will you stop trying to rush me?” she said, covering her chest although she could see that Jadzia was still turned.

“I’m not rushing you, just wondering how long it can take to strip when you aren’t even wearing that much clothing.” Or rather, wore clothes that left very little to the imagination. Jadzia tried to respect her friend’s boundaries, but she couldn’t help to take notice every once in a while, respect just meant she didn't allow her eyes to linger, and didn't mention anything.

Nerys tossed a pillow at her, frustrated at the insinuation. Her uniform was practical and perfect for action. “Well, it’s not as if you have to be here.”

Jadzia rolled her eyes, even though Nerys couldn’t see her. “Please, if you could figure it out on your own, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point. So no, I don’t think just giving you a set of instructions will be all that effective, I have to know what you are doing wrong.” At least she could sit on the pillow, better than the cold floor.

“I’m not doing anything wrong!” Nerys said, defensively. This was exactly why she shouldn't have told Jadzia, should never have told anyone.

“If it serves as any consolation, everyone you ever slept with has also done something wrong, or else you would know what an orgasm is.”

“I know what an orgasm is, I just…”

“Never had one, which is even worse. From what I’ve read about your physiology, that’s hard to believe.” In fact, Jadzia was both impressed and intrigued by the sheer number of nerve endings at Nerys’ disposal. Her thoughts were interrupted by a noise behind her.

Nerys settled herself in her bed, then pulled a blanket all the way up to her chin. She tried not to think about Jadzia reading about her physiology, and reminded herself she meant Bajoran physiology in general. “Alright, I’m ready.”

Jadzia turned to her, and raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

Nerys blushed, self-conscious. “What? I took off my clothes like you said.”

“You don’t have to hide. I don’t think I ever saw a naked Bajoran woman before, but I doubt it’s all that different from what I’m used to. Besides, I’ve done my research, and there were pictures.”

Jadzia had actually seen so many pictures and anatomical drawings of Bajoran vulvas and vaginal canals that it put her off from wanting to see any naked Bajoran, but that’s what happens when most texts about an alien species' sexual organs seem to focus on reproduction and not female pleasure.

Nerys tried not to think about what Jadzia may be used to. Across her many lives, she had certainly slept with women, but Nerys never stopped to consider what it meant for this life. When Jadzia mentioned a female conquest of her past, Nerys had always just assumed she meant when she had a male host. It only served to confuse her more, and sometimes she caught herself wondering what would have happened if she had met Dax in a male host, maybe they would have… no, she shouldn't think of that. Jadzia was her friend, and at any rate, her previous host didn't seem all that nice. It was with Jadzia that she got along so great.

Nerys shook her head, shaking away her thoughts. “I’m not hiding, I just don’t see why I have to be so exposed when you’re still wearing your uniform!”

“If you want me naked, all you have to do is ask,” Jadzia said, then mentally kicked herself. She was supposed to be making Nerys more comfortable, not flirting with a straight woman who just wanted to learn how to masturbate.

“I don’t-” Nerys started, a mix of baffled and offended. And, deep down, just a little enticed.

Jadzia raised her hands in surrender. “I know, I’m sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood. And I get it, there is a vulnerability to sex. Not that this is sex," she added before Nerys could protest. "And there's still some shame regarding female masturbation in some cultures. Not to mention everyone feels vulnerable naked, especially with someone else around who isn't sharing that vulnerability."

Everything that Jadzia said made sense, so there was no reason for Nerys' heart to beat so out of control. She tried to collect herself. "Well, yes."

Jadzia stood up. "Alright, if this will make you more comfortable." Without any further warning, Jadzia took off her uniform shirt.

"What are you doing?" Nerys demanded in a squeaky voice. Her eyes followed as Jadzia's hair fell over her well defined back, and she caught just a glimpse of Jadzia's bra. A simple model, black, standard issue Federation uniform with the clasps on the front. Somehow it seemed indecent on her, it was the only explanation Nerys could think of as to why this was different from changing next to someone.

Jadzia kicked off her boots and pushed down her pants too. "Making you more comfortable," she turned, "but that's all you're getting, I refuse to sit butt naked on the floor. I may be persuaded on the bra, but the panties stay on."

Nerys blushed, and Jadzia noticed her eyes traveling down from her face. Jadzia didn't mind, she was always confident in her body, and nudity didn't bother her, she had seen too many naked bodies, and had too many different bodies, for that sort of concern. Besides, most people, when seeing her naked for the first time, followed the spots down. She was tempted to stretch her leg up so Nerys could see from over the bed that they went all the way to her feet, a little gymnastics was always a good way to impress, but reminded herself she was supposed to be helping Nerys, not teasing her.

"Uh, no, that's ok, you can keep this on," Nerys finally said, after a charged minute that made Jadzia wonder if maybe Nerys had been sleeping with the wrong kind of people, but she pushed that thought away.

She should help her get an orgasm, not challenge her sexuality.

"Great, then let's start," Jadzia said, sitting back down on the pillow. The station floor was cold, so she was glad to have it. "I'll keep my back to you, so you don't need to hide."

Nerys sighed, relieved. From this angle, she could barely tell Jadzia was in her underwear. Maybe this wouldn't have to be so awkward. "Alright, tell me what to do."

Jadzia bit her lip, and tried to ignore the jolt of electricity down her spine, feeling a bit guilty. There was one thing she hadn't considered when offering to help Nerys. It's a lot easier to pretend you aren't attracted to someone when you're not directing that person on how to masturbate.

She promised to herself that she would keep it under control at least while she was with Nerys. If afterwards she had to make a hasty retreat back to her quarters to practice some of what she was teaching, then she could hardly be blamed for that.

"First, you need to relax. Lay down as comfortably as you can, and close your eyes." She heard some movement, then it stopped. "Now, I want you to imagine someone you're attracted to."

"What?" Nerys asked, startled. This simply wasn't the type of thing she should talk about, especially not while naked. And yet, what she was about to do was also something she never imagined herself doing

Jadzia shrugged. "It makes things easier. You don't have to, you can imagine other people having sex if you want."

Nerys immediately pictured Jadzia, laying naked on top of a beautiful Betazoid woman with voluminous silver hair. A former lover Jadzia had told her about, only then Nerys assumed she meant Curzon's. She pressed her eyes tight, wishing away the image. What was wrong with her? "N-no, I don't think so," she finally managed to say.

"Then pick someone, anyone. I won't ask you to tell me, so feel free to choose. It doesn't even have to be someone you know."

Nerys tried to focus on her former boyfriends, but she kept reminding herself of why each relationship ended. She tried to ignore that Jadzia was there, but it was hard not to picture her when she was right there. She thought of almost every man she knew, but found problems with each of them.

It took Nerys about five minutes to answer, Jadzia had almost given up and was about to give her some suggestions.

"Alright, I've got it." She pictured a historical figure, something she would never confess. A farmer who was an important figure in the early days of the resistance, a bulky, masculine man in every way.

"Keep your eyes closed, imagine them touching…" Jadzia started.

Nerys frowned. "Them?"

Jadzia rolled her eyes, she wished she could turn to stare at Nerys. She figured Nerys had pictured a man, but the neutral came automatically. "Him, her, them. Whatever you imagined, we won't need any specific parts, just a species with fingers, unless you want me to get creative. And stop nitpicking."

Nerys lowered her eyes. Her heart had spiked at 'her', for a second fearing Jadzia somehow knew she had briefly thought about her. She tried harder to picture her farmer, a big, strong, sweaty man, skin burnt from the sun, wearing farming clothes. "I'm sorry, go on."

Jadzia continued. "Imagine their hand just barely brushing against your cheek, while touching yourself there. Try using your opposite hand, it's easier to imagine it being from some facing you."

Nerys touched her left cheek with her right hand, imagining it was someone else's: long and slender fingers, soft skin, short and clear manicured nails.

"Now they are caressing your face, down your neck, tracing your collarbone. They are on top of you, placing light kisses, moving through your collarbone."

Nerys pictured a face partially blocked by dark hair, no features, it was easier like this.

"Their hand moves down to your…" Jadzia hesitated. She looked for a word Nerys wouldn't object to, picturing the offense if she dared to say 'tits', "breast," she finally settled, "cupping it gently."

She heard a small, strangled moan that told her she was going down the right path.

"Their other hand moves through your body, two fingers circling your breast and moving down your belly, all the way to your thigh and back up. They kiss your breast, then bite your nipple gently. Try pinching it between two fingers, only slightly."

Nerys bit her lip to keep from moaning, unsuccessfully. It was hard not to imagine it was Jadzia doing this to her, when it was her voice gently guiding her. She felt a pulsation between her legs as Jadzia talked to her, and tried to ignore it, focusing instead on what she was telling her to do.

Jadzia was glad she couldn't see Nerys. If she could, it would be that much harder to keep from touching, as it were the sounds Nerys was making were almost too much temptation. It was hard not to think of this as some strange sort of third person communicator-sex, minus the comms. She should have realized, how can you seduce someone without thinking about them in a sexual way?

Jadzia took a deep breath, trying to ignore her own conflict. This was about Nerys, she was here to help her, not herself.

"With their other hand, they move down your body again, landing on your inner thigh. They spread your legs slowly, then start kissing you up your inner thigh. You can feel their breath near your cunt, but they aren't touching you."

Nerys frowned, that seemed such a crude way to put things. "Isn't there a better word?"

This snapped Jadzia back into reality. She grounded herself in Nerys' discomfort, reminding herself why she had to be there.

"What do you normally use? Or your partners?"

Nerys couldn't imagine anything more mortifying than talking about her private parts with someone, especially when they were making love. That Jadzia would ask her this made her think if maybe this was the way Jadzia was when she was with someone, talking about the things she would do to her without any shame, just her sensual voice. "Nothing," she said, before her imagination could get the better of her.

That actually explained a lot, Jadzia considered. If Nerys was too shy to even talk about her body during sex, she could hardly ask for what she wanted. "That's probably part of the problem. Sex is about connection, but it depends on good communication. You can't have good sex if you're never willing to talk about what's happening and what you want."

"Do you do that?" Nerys asked before she could think about her words.

"Talk? Sure. Not always with everyone, and sometimes just for the dirty talk. Most partners aren't mind-readers, and the ones who are often can't pay enough attention if you're doing your part right."

Again, Nerys thought about Jadzia with that Betazoid woman. It made her feel something unpleasant. Not disgust, she wasn't a bigot, even if it came as a surprise that maybe Jadzia had also slept with women, not just in her previous lives. No, it was something else, something she couldn't identify.

"Doesn't that make things awkward?" Nerys wasn't quite sure why she was asking this, but for the first time she found she could talk about this type of thing without finding herself embarrassed. Perhaps because when naked and trying to learn how to have an orgasm, she was already too embarrassed for their talk to make any difference.

"It can, sometimes. Not always. But sex can be awkward. And sexy, fun, scary, comforting, sometimes all of that at once. But it shouldn't be shameful or embarrassing or unsatisfying." Unless you are into any of that, she almost added, but thought better of it. Jadzia wasn't judgmental about people's kinks, but it would probably only confuse Nerys more. Nerys probably didn't know herself enough to even have kinks.

"I can't imagine talking about it." Nerys confessed. Jadzia seemed so secure, it was hard to imagine someone being embarrassed when being with her.

As if reading her mind, Jadzia said, "You're talking to me."

Nerys' heart raced at the implication. This was entirely different, Jadzia was just talking to her, teaching her, they weren't… "That's different."

"I know. But maybe you should sleep with someone you feel at least this safe talking to." It wasn't an offer, Jadzia told herself. She could say it because it wasn't an offer. She was just looking out for the friend, the same way she was just helping when she offered to teach Nerys how to masturbate.

Not even she could believe herself anymore.

Nerys sighed. It wasn't that easy, but she couldn't find a way to explain it. There was always a certain… discomfort, in her relationships. She could never feel entirely at ease, and yes, even the intimacy often felt wrong somehow, something to be endured rather than something to be anticipated. All of her feelings were too confusing, and she didn't know what to make of them. She just wished she could find a man that made her feel as comfortable as Jadzia did. Once again, she wondered if she would have fallen for Dax if they had come in a male host, but that was silly. From Jadzia's stories, Dax wasn't the same over every life, and Jadzia was the person she was close to. Had a different trill taken Dax, they wouldn't be the same person.

"Do you want to keep going?" Jadzia asked after a long pause. Although she was glad not to have to resist Nerys' body, she wished she could see her face, at least then it would be easier to judge how she was feeling.

"I think so, we've come this far."

"Get comfortable again, move your hands around your body, only above the waist. Forget I'm here, just focus on what you're feeling."

That was the hardest part. Nerys could never forget that Jadzia was almost close enough to touch. She couldn't help but imagine Jadzia watching her as someone touched her, directing their every move, almost as if Jadzia was the one…

Nerys shook her head, and tried to do as Jadzia said.

"Once you're nice and relaxed, they move between your legs. Holding onto your thighs, they spread your legs, but you don’t feel exposed with them over your body.”

As Nerys’ moved her legs, her foot brushed against Jadzia’s hair, sending a shiver down her spine. It was a reminder of how close Nerys was, how easy it would be to just climb in bed with her and show instead of tell. With hundreds of years of experience, she was sure she could make Nerys come enough times that night to compensate every bad lover she ever had. But she wouldn’t, she couldn’t. They were friends, Jadzia reminded herself yet again, and if she couldn’t keep her unrequited affections under control she shouldn’t have offered to help. And she shouldn’t have, but she was never good at resisting temptation.

Something else suddenly came to mind. “Wait, before we go on, I should tell you, just in case you don’t know. Who am I talking to? Of course you don’t know. You’ll need to find your clit, it’s very easy, it should be about an inch above the vaginal entrance, it’s a bundle of nerves folded into delicate ridges, but it’s also very sensitive, so be careful. Sorry, I couldn’t think of a sexy way to say that.” It was a remarkable feature of evolution, one that should be extremely easy to stimulate, which spoke volumes in detriment of every one of Nerys’ exes.

Nerys moved with a featherlight touch, until she found her clit. She moaned and lifted her hips slightly off the bed. How had she never felt this before? “Found it,” she managed to say.

Jadzia pressed against the pillow, then recriminated herself. She shouldn’t be enjoying this. “Now, I’ll give you some tips along the way, but you should do what feels natural, every person is different. You can wet your fingers in your mouth if you want, to pretend it’s someone’s tongue touching you.” Jadzia doubted that she would, but she surprised her once again. She could hear Nerys’ muffled moans, and it was too much for her. She pushed the pillow up, pressing it hard between her thighs, anything to keep from touching herself. As soon as Nerys was done, Jadzia would rush to her quarters, possibly without even taking her clothes, but she wouldn’t lose control there.

Nerys tried to follow Jadzia’s instructions, but it was getting harder to even understand her words. She pictured the same undefined person touching her, face buried in her cunt and black hair obscuring the rest, arms framed by dark spots holding her thighs apart. It was almost too much, she needed release, and she could tell it was so close. The face in her imagination looked up, the unmistakable eyes of Jadzia. Jadzia, she was imagining it was Jadzia touching her this way.

Nerys suddenly stopped, and growed frustrated as all her momentum was lost. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t think of Jadzia, she was her friend, it was disrespectful. It was just because of Jadzia’s voice guiding her, she was sure of it, but that was no reason to abuse her friend’s willingness to help. “I can’t,” she said, “it’s just not working.”

“We haven’t been trying very long, sometimes it takes a while, especially on the first time. Or if you’re anxious. You may be putting too much pressure on yourself to get it right away.”

“Maybe there is something wrong with me,” Nerys sighed. She definitely felt wrong in some indistinct way. No, wrong wasn’t the right word. Still, strange in a both novel and familiar way. “Maybe I just can’t…” she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“I could help you,” Jadzia said, half a second before thinking better of it, but by then she was committed. She always did have a tendency to dig herself into a deeper hole even when realizing that was what she was doing. “Just to prove that you can have an orgasm. It’s always easier once you’ve done it once. And I have plenty of experience, I know what I’m doing, let me help.”

The platonic walls were eroding, but Jadzia was determined to keep them firmly in place. She could do this, she could help Nerys just as a friend, without taking her own desires into consideration. Besides, Nerys would probably say no.

“Alright,” Nerys said, trying to ignore how much of her excitement came back with that simple offer. Things hadn’t changed. Jadzia was still her friend, offering to help with something Nerys didn’t know how to do. She wondered if this sort of practice was common among women from other planets, but didn’t know how to ask that of Jadzia.

Jadzia weighed the odds of the universal translator malfunctioning. She had seen it happen, well, Curzon had seen it happen. And he was trying to speak with a species that communicated by fluctuating wavelengths at a quantum level. Still, it was known to happen. Since she didn’t know Bajoran to confirm, she would just have to climb in bed and see if she would be kicked out.

She stood up, and tried not to let her eyes linger. Nerys looked absolutely gorgeous, and Jadzia wanted to kiss her entire body. She wondered how the ridge’s of her clit would feel against her tongue, and how fast she could make Nerys come that way. But she had not been given free reign, this wasn’t sex, this was helping a friend learn how to masturbate. It was simply a more hands on approach.

She climbed on top of Nerys, barely touching her. “Close your eyes and relax. You can keep imagining whomever you want, I promise you it won’t hurt my feelings.” Well, it would, but she wanted to give Nerys an out. All the ways this wouldn’t count, wouldn’t challenge Nerys’ sexuality, it wasn’t sex, and she could even pretend she wasn’t with a woman. “Anything you need.”

Nerys had abandoned all hope of rational thought. What was she thinking? The answer to thinking too much about Jadzia certainly wasn’t to invite her to touch her, and yet… She closed her eyes, but she couldn’t make herself think of anything other than Jadzia. When Jadzia touched her, that worry completely slipped her mind. Nerys unclasped her bra and cupped her breast, enjoying the different sensation of touching Jadzia before moving her arm to her back and pulling Jadzia closer, needing to feel her skin against hers, and without thinking about it, she kissed her.

Jadzia allowed herself to be pulled past all boundaries she had tried to keep. ‘Anything you need,’ she said, and she meant it, she would take this as far as Nerys wanted. Nerys pushed her leg up, pressing between Jadzia’s legs, too much and almost enough. Jadzia concentrated on Nerys, end this quickly before Jadzia crossed a line. This wasn’t sex, she reminded herself, her hips rocking against Nerys’ thigh, chasing that pressure, this was only about helping Nerys.

Nerys screamed Jadzia’s name as she came, abandoning any pretense. She had been thinking about Jadzia from the start, as much as she tried to tell herself otherwise. At that moment, she was far too blissful to wonder what that meant.

Jadzia pushed herself up and smiled at Nerys, completely unraveled, breathing heavily under her. She wanted to say something funny, lighten the mood, but nothing came to mind. At least as long as Nerys kept her eyes closed, Jadzia could stare fondly at her.

She had made a mistake, she knew that now. And now they would have to go back to the ways things were. Jadzia had no idea how she was supposed to pretend she wasn't in love with Nerys after that, but above all she feared that Nerys would avoid her.

They could still play it off as no big deal, she offered to help a friend and that was what she did. But if Nerys realized her selfish reasons, if she even suspected them…

Twenty seconds of spiraling thoughts later, Nerys opened her eyes and stared back at her. Jadzia tried once again to come up with something to say, she had found the perfect line when Nerys pulled her down and kissed her again.

"Let me touch you," Nerys said. She could blame it on the endorphins, or how comfortable she felt kissing Jadzia, or even a sense of fairness. All would be lies, she was just desperate to touch her.

Jadzia couldn't find a way to answer her that wasn’t continuing to kiss her as if her life depended on it. She thought about telling Nerys what to do, but she was so close that anything could make her come.

Nerys tried to follow what Jadzia told her earlier, pushing down her panties just enough to slip two fingers into her, searching for the ridges with her thumb. Instead, she found a little poach with a bundle of nerves inside, but the way Jadzia screamed and began rocking her hips told her she was doing something right.

Finally able to let go, Jadzia just allowed all the tension accumulated over the last couple of hours wash over her. She pressed her mouth against the curve of Nerys' neck to keep herself from screaming her name as she came.

Jadzia rested only for a moment on top of Nerys, then she dropped to the side, nearly falling off the edge of the small bed. She really wasn't sure what to make of things.

Several things came into Nerys’ mind at once. She finally had an orgasm, and it was better than she thought it would be. For the first time she understood that sex could actually be good. She had had sex with Jadzia, her best friend, it was incredible, and while she had offered to help, Nerys had been the one who couldn’t help but kiss her and couldn't resist touching her. Although she was naked, she didn’t feel at all self-conscious, and felt no need to cover herself.

“Are you alright?” Jadzia asked after a few minutes. She felt conflicted: she didn’t regret what they did, not exactly, but she couldn’t help but feel like she had taken advantage of Nerys and abused her trust. She wasn’t used to lying to herself, so she hadn’t realized the extent she took it. From the moment she suggested she should be there to guide Nerys, she had probably acted at least in part because of her attraction.

Nerys didn’t look at her, she was still lost in thought. “I never realized I didn’t have to feel… horrible, after sex.”

Nerys couldn’t exactly explain, not even to herself, but she always felt somewhat bad, both during and after making love. In small, indescribable ways, that she always associated with shame from maintaining a relationship outside of marriage. More than that, she was used to feeling so deeply uncomfortable, in a way not even the awkwardness between them was, uncomfortable in her own skin. In a way, sex had always been something she did for someone, not with someone.

Jadzia’s old suspicions came to mind. She tried to think of a delicate way of putting this, as bluntness would probably scare Nerys away, but there wasn’t much of a delicate way to question someone’s sexuality. “Have you ever considered that maybe you were sleeping with…” she couldn’t bring herself to say it directly, “the wrong type of people?”

Nerys finally turned to her. “What do you mean?”

Jadzia sighed. She would really have to say it. “Maybe the reason you felt that way when you slept with men was because you should have been sleeping with women.”

“Oh.” Nerys frowned, she had never thought about it in those terms.

She remembered hearing about how the prophets made so there was a woman for every man and a man for every woman, so she had looked for the man she would one day love with all her heart. For men to love men and women love women wasn’t exactly frowned upon among her people as much as it was just somewhat rare, so she had never considered the possibility, but once Jadzia asked, she could consider it without shame.

“I know it’s not my place to…” Jadzia started, sensing Nerys’ conflict and misattributing the cause.

“You sleep with men and women, don’t you? Is it because of the symbiont?” Nerys asked before she could finish it.

Jadzia pondered the question, aware that Nerys was working through things. “Men, women and others. And no, it’s not because of Dax, but sometimes that’s an issue. I already knew I was bisexual, so I had no problem dealing with the memories and desires of my past lives, although it’s not exactly the same, each host loved differently, even the ones with the same orientation. But sometimes, when people are only attracted to one gender, there can be some confusion soon after joining. It goes away in a few weeks, months at most, although for some it’s an opportunity to explore an attraction they never considered before.”

It was a terrible explanation, but it was something so natural to her that she couldn’t explain to someone who didn’t have the frame of reference of being joined, or at least being Trill. Besides, she had never been a lesbian, so she didn’t know what exactly Nerys needed to hear. Perhaps the closest situation was Tobin’s, she wasn’t the first host to wonder if maybe he was gay, but Tobin himself never considered it in his life. She should have asked him about it in her zhian'tara, but it hadn’t seemed that important.

“And how did you know?”

It was about as difficult to answer than if Nerys had asked how she knew she was a Trill. She simply was, from her earliest memories of a childish way of liking both boys and girls during pre-school, and reacting by giving them bugs or half eaten candy. “I don’t know, I just knew. I think sometimes it’s something you have to discover, others it’s just there, and you don’t need to ever have thought about it. I can tell you about Emony though, she was bi too, but she was nineteen when she realized, so before she was Dax. It was after a competition, she had taken first place, and her rival didn’t like that, they fought in the changing room and when she pinned Emony down, Emony kissed her on an impulse. Only after that she paid attention, and realized that she was attracted to women too.”

“I never even thought about that,” Nerys confessed.

“You don’t have to know right away.” And then, Jadzia realized how much she truly cared about Nerys. She wanted Nerys to be happy, regardless of what it meant for Jadzia. “You could explore this, with someone else even.” It would break her heart if Nerys went on to have a relationship with other women, if she just wasn’t interested in Jadzia, but if it was what Nerys wanted, she could accept it.

Nerys thought about her next words for a long time. Even if Jadzia slept with her, Nerys had no reason to believe she held any feelings other than friendship for her. Confessing her feelings was a terrifying risk, and she had never felt so vulnerable, but she trusted Jadzia to treat her kindly, even if she didn’t reciprocate her feelings.

“Sometimes, I used to think that if you had a male host maybe I would have fallen in love with you. And tonight, I kept imagining it was you touching me. I tried not to, and I thought maybe it was because you were here, talking to me, but I only wanted to think about you. I only wanted you to touch me.” It was disorganized, it hardly expressed what she felt, but it was the best she could do, so soon after having her perspective shifted.

Jadzia briefly wondered how Nerys could think she was straight for this long. Then she caught up on Nerys’ meaning. “I think trying to help you without taking advantage when I’ve had feelings for you for so long I had ran out of hope was the hardest thing I did in eight lives.”

Before Nerys could decipher what she meant by that, Jadzia kissed her softly. Without the other sensorial distractions, Nerys realized what Jadzia meant by just knowing. Nothing had ever felt more right.


End file.
